To do lists

I'm in a funk, I'm drowning in have no purpose, no reason to get up, no reason for anything really. I'm starting to become jealous outside of my bubble of the people who are starting to move forward and do things. Who's lives are starting to move forward again. I know we are self imposing the rest of the sheilding and that I can go out for a walk now but I'm scared to. Why is life so much different now to how they predicted it would be when they set the 30th June as the end of sheilding, why have Scotland increased it to August. I'm confused by it all.

Today I've spent the day mainly in bed keeping to myself. It's quiet I can think, I can meditate, I can sleep so time passes. Is this healthy? Hell no! I know it's not but I needed it today. To stop the funk from drowning me I've just printed a to-do list of things I need to do. Some are boring and mundane others are more enjoyable. I will need to start ticking things off the list and adding to the list so I find that purpose again. Being unemployed (yes I know that was my own doing but it was the right thing to do) isn't helping. We are coping on one income ATM. We arent really missing the second income probably due to the fact we are still living in the self isolation bubble we are in. This I know will change and probably sooner than we think, I need to find my new beginning but I still have absolutely no idea where that's going to be. 

My to do list is going to treated as my job for now. I need the structure of getting up at 8 and getting dressed etc and doing from 8:45 till 4 again. I'm sticking with loose school hours and then I will have time to myself. Hopefully that way I'll start to rise again rather than sink deeper. This has to be my way out as idk what else I can do

What is my what?

Things that happened on that last Friday I was in work seem to haunt me at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not doing a lot being stuck in the house but when I close my eyes I'm back there or the memories invade my dreams. I feel frozen, scared, sick, can't think straight and many more emotions I don't want to remember or feel. It's been four months and at times it still feels like yesterday. Due to this Corona virus I've not been anywhere since the 15th March as I'm sheilding. With being contained in the house there's not a lot I can do other than house work, tidying up, cleaning up, washing clothes, sit in the garden when it's been nice, crochet, read, watch TV. Sounds like what I always thought would be bliss but believe me this isn't what I thought it would be. It's hard trying to keep my head above water, not get pissed off because someone is munching too loud, shout and scream because I feel like I'm going to explode. There feels no escape at times. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm trapped. Then I realise I'm being selfish these people I'm 'trapped' with are my everything. I don't want them to be anywhere else they need to be here 'trapped' with me, I WANT them here with me. I love them. 

I just need to move forward and find the new path my life is going to go on. I still have no idea what that will be or how to get there but there has to be more that what I'm doing at the moment surely? Do I go back into a school, supermarket, hospital, something to fit in with my crafting? I have no idea but I can't look that far forward until all the rest of the world stops and becomes a new kind of normal again. I need to do something until that happens but what? I need to find my what, that's what I need to do. When I find my what maybe my memories and nightmares will fade and stop making me feel like I'm a nothing and I got life so wrong and the missing pieces will stay in a lost state to be forgotten about as they're not needed. 

My what is what's going to save me....

What's next?

So a lots happened since I last blogged, good bad and the ugly?

It's currently 00:35 and I can't sleep... again. My life at the moment is on its head, for the first time in over 14 years I don't have a job or a purpose. I have no idea what tomorrow is about or what it will bring. 

The good is John. He's amazing and I have no idea what is do without him. He's been more than our vows 22+ years ago asked of him and more than I deserve of him. He is keeping me sane, loved and balanced at the moment. You know your loved when someone stops everything they are doing to be with you, to hold you and carry you when you can do neither of those things yourself. Talks about random things to get you out your own head. Doesn't expect anything of you except what you can offer in that moment in time. Encouraging you even when they know you are struggling to do basic tasks. 

The brain is an evil place, for all the amazing things it can do it can cripple you in a click of its fingers. Fighting to come back is a struggle, to fight every day is hard. Anxiety is a bitch and takes over when you least expect it and can ruin a moment so fast you become scared to try. This is where John and some others have been amazing. They have smothered me in love, let me be when I needed it out pulled me out of myself when I've been sinking. 

Having no purpose is hard. We all know the routine alarm goes off, you get ready for work, go to work, do the best you can, come home spend time doing what you do before bed and you start again. My alarm goes off and that's it, yes it was my choice but it was the hardest choice I've ever made. I know it was the right choice and once I'm back together again properly that will be even more evident, but it's getting all the parts together again. 

Who knew going out the house to go to the local supermarket can cause so many issues; sweaty hands, the feeling the place is closing in on you, eyes on you everywhere, confusion even though you've been thousands of times before, feeling sick, feeling dizzy, sweaty all over, puffing and blowing....I can go on but you get the idea. I'm usually confident, I'm usually unafraid, I'm usually the one head high doing my thing but now I can't wait to get out or lurk in the shadows not wanting to be seen. I say all this but I'm much better than I was, I'm pushing the things I feel I can't do now. Maybe not everyday (not spent as much time in the house, ever) but as much as I can handle at the moment as it's so hard. I want to be me again but I think I've lost some of me. Will all of me come back? Do I want all of it back? 

I know I'm much better than I was nearly four weeks ago. Four weeks ago I lost a day/s and I lost me. Four weeks on I'm more together than I was and I'm starting to make decisions again, starting to find pleasure in things again, starting to look ahead again. Thankful for those special family and friends around me who have supported me. I don't like being the needy one, the one who needs help. I'm the one people lean on, the one that helps but I broke four weeks ago and it's going to take time. I've never, ever told someone I can't help them at the moment but I've had to recently as my head is too much of a jumble to help anyone else. I've never had to hand my responsibilities on to someone else but I've had too as with the amount of money I was dealing with I wasn't clear enough in my head to do it. So having to do that has lead to a feeling of guilt that hangs over me all the time. John is worried as are others and I've cause that through no fault of my own, this causes guilt too. I feel that I should be doing all the time so cleaning the house has become my 'new job' nobody said it has to be done everyday, in a particular way but it's what I'm doing to feel useful. Cleaning has never been my thing but at the moment I'm finding it quite theroputic I can get lost in washing up, scrubbing the bathroom, etc. 

Tomorrow I'm going to take my CV to new job, something completely different to what I've done before. Will I get the job? That's anyone's guess bit just to get to hand the CV over in person is another bit of me coming back. 

What was the point in this blog? No idea I just needed to get all this out my head. I don't expect anyone but I will ever read this but I do hope when I read it again I'll be more me than I am at the moment. 

Fingers crossed to taking one step at a time to being whole and happy again x

The longest month in a nutshell

Well it's been the longest month of the year again and we're finally at the end of it. It doesn't matter how we plan for it its always the looooonnnngest month ever.

Today small teen had her hair ombre'd and it looks good, really good. And I had mine restyled again, I'm not good at having the same thing over and over I get bored too easy. I'm currently sitting with a hot water bottle on my back trying to ease some discomfort whilst Mr W and the big teen are out enjoying them selves. Small teen has her friend here and they're watching films and giggling, just how things should be.

We've not got much planned as a family for the next week or so but what I do know is that we will make the most of it. We spent time with Mr W's family celebrating his parents birthdays. We had a lovely time chatting and remembering about things from the past. There were a few new tales told that non of us had heard before which made us laugh and shocked (I'm not telling)

So what happening in your world? Anything new or exciting?

S xxx

Time of rest????

So since we last caught up we've been resting......hahahahaha not likely! 

So far with our rest we've been been to Merry Hell, Cheshire Oaks, visiting family, partying (hard), cleaning, food shopping, watching awesome films, crocheting like mad, organising a meal for 11, getting up before 8 (aaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhh). Aching from dancing the night away and finally pulling off a meal for 11. I'm exhausted just writing all that.

Tomorrow is my day of getting back on track. I've not over, over indulged but I've definitely eaten/drank more than I should have. I'm going to be weighed and find out the damage. I'm not bothered if it's a maintain, 20lbs on or 1lb on it will be what it will be. I have a whole 51 weeks to sort it out. I'm not making any new year's resolutions but I am going to be healthier. I counted my blessings that I made it to a new year but I did so now it's time for a new one.

Tonight and today has constituted eating anything and everything in sight. Why do we do that? There's nothing you can't eat (unless there's a medical reason etc) IF we eat it in moderation. So this next few weeks is going to be all about that, being mindful, using moderation and staying on track.

For Christmas I had the Dawn French's new book; Me, you and a diary. It's fab, very thought provoking and I'm desperate to read it all but I'm going to be good. I'm only going to read the bit that I'm on and no more. I'm going for to be honest, blunt and take the bull by the horns. There were lots of fabulous times last year but there were also some traumatic times. Family and friends I've said goodbye to, family we are grateful are still here and times we want to forget. Life would be boring without some of these events but I think I'd settle for a less rocky year for 2018.

So 2018 what have you got planned for us? Make it a kind one please but if it's not give me the strength to get through it.

Speak again soon

S
XxX

So again it's been a while

It's been too long.

It's Boxing day, different this year as Thomas has been working so going over to my moms for trifle breakfast had to be put on hold. It's been quite a lazy day, trifle was eaten, napping on the sofa happened as did the turkey curry. Christmas day was wonderful, everyone was happy/surprised by their gifts and I'm confident they were all loved. I actually shocked John with his gifts and he was the first one to rush off to set up his new radio. Likewise he shocked me with my very own tablet and cheeky cover for it. I had gifts aplenty all of which I've loved. I asked for vouchers for Curry's so I could get myself a fitbit which I now have on my wrist, it's going to be disappointed today though as I've hardly moved from the sofa. We've laughed, sat transfixed at the TV, snuggled and nodded. Oh I've forgotten to mention the eating.  It's been good,exactly what boxing day should be about.

John took Thomas to work today at the local retail park for his shift at 7am this morning and he was horrified at the amount of people there already for the sales. I'm sorry there's nothing I'm that desperate for the day after being spoilt to leave my bed whilst it's dark. I struggle on a normal day to get up when it's still dark so there's no chance I'd do it by choice on boxing day!

The not so little people in my house have both loved their gifts. Big child has already disappeared upstairs to become the next Fat Boy Slim or whoever it is now and little child is clicking away and even did revision on Christmas day! Who does that? Go little child.

Without being too miserable I've had an awful year health wise, I've missed out on chucks of normality and special events. I've never been one to wish time away but I'm looking forward to a much healthier year in 2018. We still have a few days of 2017 left and I'm going to enjoy it. Family, friends, laughter and happiness are on the cards.

So that's me for today. My commitment is to blog no less than once a week, short, long, interesting, boring or just a ramble through my head no less than once a week. How lucky are you going to be 

Happy Boxing day all x

It has again been too long, far too long but now is the right time to start again. 

Life has been a roller coaster since March and I still feel most days I'm on the peripheral of life observing and not quite experiencing life. I've had three ambulances since March with this thing called Asthma. It's taken over my life and called a stop to it more than once since March, I'm currently on week 3 of rest after a week long admission with the last attack in hospital. The last attack was unrelenting and bazaar. Fortunately I was taken to a different hospital this time and they're not happy to just send me away after being on a nebuliser and asking me to go and see my GP. The new hospital have started me on a new inhaler routine, new tablets and steroids, most of all they want to find out whats happening and why, which is much more than the hospital I was attending previously. I have appointments coming up for more investigation to get to the route of what is going on. I have faith in the fact that they will get to the bottom of this. I NEED them too, I can't carry on not knowing what is starting me off, what the 'trigger' is. 

My life has stopped, I'm confined to the house unless I'm with someone scared to go out alone, scared when I cough or become tight chested, listening to friends talk about the excitement they're experiencing with a tinge of jealousy, worrying about what people are thinking about me being absent from work again for such a long time, feeling guilty every time a family member looks at you with worry in their eyes when you cough or wheeze, constantly being told to sit down  and not to push it. I miss being able to just get up and do things, yes it's lot easier than when I first came out of hospital but life still isn't what it was. When I first came out I couldn't shower when I was home alone (showering was a mighty task in it's self anyway. you'd never believe how much you can cough and wheeze just trying to get clean 😀) The steroids I'm on orally are reducing from 40mg slowly every 3 days by 5mg. I feel quite accomplished that I'm only on 15mg now but its no mean feat. The shakes, irrational mood swings, unclear thinking and the overall not feeling like yourself can be unbearable at times. The outward shaking these little pills of power have can be quite dramatic but it's nothing to the shaking I've experienced internally, trying to do normal everyday things like pouring squash into a glass at times has been a challenge but it's one I've over come, I've had too! 

My place of solace...on a dry day.

I was like many people who thought a spell at home from work would be an enjoyable experience but believe me its a lonely time. You quickly become used to the quiet and find lots of people around you intimidating. I'm a social person and thrive being around others but there's been times of late where I would have be happy to hide away and not come out again. I've found solace sat on the garden swing with a book or crochet hook in hand listening to the world move around me. Me sat like a bystander waiting for my turn on the wheel of life again. I struggle with my mental well being and there's been times in the last 4 weeks and the months before where I've hit real lows. I'm fortunate, I know I am, I have fabulous family and friends who have been my rock and I' pretty sure they are sick of hearing me moan. Trying to positive when you feel awful is hard and for me to admit I do feel awful is a big thing. I hate giving in, I want to continue and get that thing done. Sometimes to detriment to myself. They have ALL been amazing.

A way to stop the over thinking.

The not knowing is the hardest thing. Will it happen again? Will I be sorted quick enough next time? Whats started this all off now? Why me? What's my trigger? Is it asthma? The questions whirl and whirl when you have little else to think about. The stories that your mind can invent late at night when you're unable to sleep or when you loose yourself in a thought during the day can be scary. One of these stories convinced me I should be at work and just to get on with it as always Hubby has been my sounding board. He said fine don't listen you go back but before you do go upstairs and fetch 'X' and then sort the washing. If you can do that with no problems then we will talk about work. Of cause he was right, I failed at the first hurdle...the stairs! Bloody things have been the bane of my life. I'm so pleased we have a down stairs toilet. Although because of where it is we never really use it much but since March its been in constant use. It's a horrible place to be when your brain is telling you to one thing but your body is laughing at you, ridiculing you for having such grand ideas. 
"Go up stairs without coughing and wheezing... hahahahahahahaha dream on!" 
Admittedly I'm now not as breathless or coughing as much but I get so tired so quickly doing just the smallest of tasks. I tried to cook tea and had to admit defeat about half way through but rather than thinking about what I didn't finish I'm trying to think about what I have achieved. The week previous I wouldn't have been in the kitchen at all other than to carefully pour a drink so to be doing any cooking was a bonus. LOL I'm not sure the family would agree about it being a bonus though LOL 

This fence HAS to go!!

Sitting in the same four walls makes you notice the things that need to be done. The walls that need painting, the carpet that needs replacing, the garden that needs sorting, the never ending list of jobs that need addressing. Today I decided I was going to start and address the garden. Nothing big I just wanted to strim the bit of the garden that Hubby seems to miss when he mows the lawn. That was my plan and I did manage to get the strimmer out, I did manage to get some of it done, I managed to fall out with said strimmer as it kept breaking and I also manged to get frustrated with my lack of stamina and how exhausted I became so quickly. Hubby by my side told me to sit and catch my breath. I got more and more frustrated with myself and as always he had the right words to say and gave me the words of wisdom I needed to stop and catch myself before I was so exhausted I had to spend days on the sofa recovering again. Why does he always have the right words? I know why because hes scared, every time I'm slightly off it I see it, every time I cough I see it, when we're going to sleep I feel his eyes on me watching me. He's scared, his eyes tell me every time. I feel awful that I'VE made him like this. Me, I did this. He rings me and texts me all day long and knows exactly how I am by the first phone call or text no matter how hard I try not to let him know what's going on. I just want to take the pressure off him. He arranges for people to pop in or make contact when he can't get here himself. I never wanted to make someone, especially someone I love so dearly be this afraid. Hubby has always been attentive and I've always said that the day cupid bound us I was given a man above my match, hes far more than I deserve but I've made him scared. I never wanted this, I've never wanted to make my love ones worry about me. I'm finding this hard and I don't know how to put it right. I'm the worrier not them. 

My everything, We celebrated our 20th  Wedding Anniversary this week ❤

The teens have been through it too. Teen boy had an outburst which is totally out of character for him. No I know it wasn't all my doing but I don't think the constant worry has helped. Both teens have been a mirror of their dad fussing and checking, especially teen girl. She's dried and straightened my hair when I just hadn't got the energy or breath to do it, sat and had pointless conversations just to be around. Yes its been lovely having them around but I just wish it wasn't for the fact they're worried.

I've rambled, I'd usually apologise and say sorry but I've been banned from doing that (you know who you are) but for once I'm really not sorry. I need to get this out, I cant have it festering. I need to find peace. I need to find answers. I need to find me, I'm lost. I don't know who I am any more. The laugh is missing, the bubbly is gone. Where I don't know. What I do know is I want it back. I want ME back. No wheeze, no breathlessness, no cough, no lack of energy just boring old me. I need to find a way to find me and this is what I need to concentrate on doing.


I'm hoping to be back with a new blog in a few days, If you've read this please like it and drop me a comment. 

Lots of love

S XxX