It's currently 00:35 and I can't sleep... again. My life at the moment is on its head, for the first time in over 14 years I don't have a job or a purpose. I have no idea what tomorrow is about or what it will bring.
The good is John. He's amazing and I have no idea what is do without him. He's been more than our vows 22+ years ago asked of him and more than I deserve of him. He is keeping me sane, loved and balanced at the moment. You know your loved when someone stops everything they are doing to be with you, to hold you and carry you when you can do neither of those things yourself. Talks about random things to get you out your own head. Doesn't expect anything of you except what you can offer in that moment in time. Encouraging you even when they know you are struggling to do basic tasks.
The brain is an evil place, for all the amazing things it can do it can cripple you in a click of its fingers. Fighting to come back is a struggle, to fight every day is hard. Anxiety is a bitch and takes over when you least expect it and can ruin a moment so fast you become scared to try. This is where John and some others have been amazing. They have smothered me in love, let me be when I needed it out pulled me out of myself when I've been sinking.
Having no purpose is hard. We all know the routine alarm goes off, you get ready for work, go to work, do the best you can, come home spend time doing what you do before bed and you start again. My alarm goes off and that's it, yes it was my choice but it was the hardest choice I've ever made. I know it was the right choice and once I'm back together again properly that will be even more evident, but it's getting all the parts together again.
Who knew going out the house to go to the local supermarket can cause so many issues; sweaty hands, the feeling the place is closing in on you, eyes on you everywhere, confusion even though you've been thousands of times before, feeling sick, feeling dizzy, sweaty all over, puffing and blowing....I can go on but you get the idea. I'm usually confident, I'm usually unafraid, I'm usually the one head high doing my thing but now I can't wait to get out or lurk in the shadows not wanting to be seen. I say all this but I'm much better than I was, I'm pushing the things I feel I can't do now. Maybe not everyday (not spent as much time in the house, ever) but as much as I can handle at the moment as it's so hard. I want to be me again but I think I've lost some of me. Will all of me come back? Do I want all of it back?
I know I'm much better than I was nearly four weeks ago. Four weeks ago I lost a day/s and I lost me. Four weeks on I'm more together than I was and I'm starting to make decisions again, starting to find pleasure in things again, starting to look ahead again. Thankful for those special family and friends around me who have supported me. I don't like being the needy one, the one who needs help. I'm the one people lean on, the one that helps but I broke four weeks ago and it's going to take time. I've never, ever told someone I can't help them at the moment but I've had to recently as my head is too much of a jumble to help anyone else. I've never had to hand my responsibilities on to someone else but I've had too as with the amount of money I was dealing with I wasn't clear enough in my head to do it. So having to do that has lead to a feeling of guilt that hangs over me all the time. John is worried as are others and I've cause that through no fault of my own, this causes guilt too. I feel that I should be doing all the time so cleaning the house has become my 'new job' nobody said it has to be done everyday, in a particular way but it's what I'm doing to feel useful. Cleaning has never been my thing but at the moment I'm finding it quite theroputic I can get lost in washing up, scrubbing the bathroom, etc.
Tomorrow I'm going to take my CV to new job, something completely different to what I've done before. Will I get the job? That's anyone's guess bit just to get to hand the CV over in person is another bit of me coming back.
What was the point in this blog? No idea I just needed to get all this out my head. I don't expect anyone but I will ever read this but I do hope when I read it again I'll be more me than I am at the moment.
Fingers crossed to taking one step at a time to being whole and happy again x
