So again it's been a while

It's been too long.

It's Boxing day, different this year as Thomas has been working so going over to my moms for trifle breakfast had to be put on hold. It's been quite a lazy day, trifle was eaten, napping on the sofa happened as did the turkey curry. Christmas day was wonderful, everyone was happy/surprised by their gifts and I'm confident they were all loved. I actually shocked John with his gifts and he was the first one to rush off to set up his new radio. Likewise he shocked me with my very own tablet and cheeky cover for it. I had gifts aplenty all of which I've loved. I asked for vouchers for Curry's so I could get myself a fitbit which I now have on my wrist, it's going to be disappointed today though as I've hardly moved from the sofa. We've laughed, sat transfixed at the TV, snuggled and nodded. Oh I've forgotten to mention the eating.  It's been good,exactly what boxing day should be about.

John took Thomas to work today at the local retail park for his shift at 7am this morning and he was horrified at the amount of people there already for the sales. I'm sorry there's nothing I'm that desperate for the day after being spoilt to leave my bed whilst it's dark. I struggle on a normal day to get up when it's still dark so there's no chance I'd do it by choice on boxing day!

The not so little people in my house have both loved their gifts. Big child has already disappeared upstairs to become the next Fat Boy Slim or whoever it is now and little child is clicking away and even did revision on Christmas day! Who does that? Go little child.

Without being too miserable I've had an awful year health wise, I've missed out on chucks of normality and special events. I've never been one to wish time away but I'm looking forward to a much healthier year in 2018. We still have a few days of 2017 left and I'm going to enjoy it. Family, friends, laughter and happiness are on the cards.

So that's me for today. My commitment is to blog no less than once a week, short, long, interesting, boring or just a ramble through my head no less than once a week. How lucky are you going to be 

Happy Boxing day all x

It has again been too long, far too long but now is the right time to start again. 

Life has been a roller coaster since March and I still feel most days I'm on the peripheral of life observing and not quite experiencing life. I've had three ambulances since March with this thing called Asthma. It's taken over my life and called a stop to it more than once since March, I'm currently on week 3 of rest after a week long admission with the last attack in hospital. The last attack was unrelenting and bazaar. Fortunately I was taken to a different hospital this time and they're not happy to just send me away after being on a nebuliser and asking me to go and see my GP. The new hospital have started me on a new inhaler routine, new tablets and steroids, most of all they want to find out whats happening and why, which is much more than the hospital I was attending previously. I have appointments coming up for more investigation to get to the route of what is going on. I have faith in the fact that they will get to the bottom of this. I NEED them too, I can't carry on not knowing what is starting me off, what the 'trigger' is. 

My life has stopped, I'm confined to the house unless I'm with someone scared to go out alone, scared when I cough or become tight chested, listening to friends talk about the excitement they're experiencing with a tinge of jealousy, worrying about what people are thinking about me being absent from work again for such a long time, feeling guilty every time a family member looks at you with worry in their eyes when you cough or wheeze, constantly being told to sit down  and not to push it. I miss being able to just get up and do things, yes it's lot easier than when I first came out of hospital but life still isn't what it was. When I first came out I couldn't shower when I was home alone (showering was a mighty task in it's self anyway. you'd never believe how much you can cough and wheeze just trying to get clean 😀) The steroids I'm on orally are reducing from 40mg slowly every 3 days by 5mg. I feel quite accomplished that I'm only on 15mg now but its no mean feat. The shakes, irrational mood swings, unclear thinking and the overall not feeling like yourself can be unbearable at times. The outward shaking these little pills of power have can be quite dramatic but it's nothing to the shaking I've experienced internally, trying to do normal everyday things like pouring squash into a glass at times has been a challenge but it's one I've over come, I've had too! 

My place of solace...on a dry day.

I was like many people who thought a spell at home from work would be an enjoyable experience but believe me its a lonely time. You quickly become used to the quiet and find lots of people around you intimidating. I'm a social person and thrive being around others but there's been times of late where I would have be happy to hide away and not come out again. I've found solace sat on the garden swing with a book or crochet hook in hand listening to the world move around me. Me sat like a bystander waiting for my turn on the wheel of life again. I struggle with my mental well being and there's been times in the last 4 weeks and the months before where I've hit real lows. I'm fortunate, I know I am, I have fabulous family and friends who have been my rock and I' pretty sure they are sick of hearing me moan. Trying to positive when you feel awful is hard and for me to admit I do feel awful is a big thing. I hate giving in, I want to continue and get that thing done. Sometimes to detriment to myself. They have ALL been amazing.

A way to stop the over thinking.

The not knowing is the hardest thing. Will it happen again? Will I be sorted quick enough next time? Whats started this all off now? Why me? What's my trigger? Is it asthma? The questions whirl and whirl when you have little else to think about. The stories that your mind can invent late at night when you're unable to sleep or when you loose yourself in a thought during the day can be scary. One of these stories convinced me I should be at work and just to get on with it as always Hubby has been my sounding board. He said fine don't listen you go back but before you do go upstairs and fetch 'X' and then sort the washing. If you can do that with no problems then we will talk about work. Of cause he was right, I failed at the first hurdle...the stairs! Bloody things have been the bane of my life. I'm so pleased we have a down stairs toilet. Although because of where it is we never really use it much but since March its been in constant use. It's a horrible place to be when your brain is telling you to one thing but your body is laughing at you, ridiculing you for having such grand ideas. 
"Go up stairs without coughing and wheezing... hahahahahahahaha dream on!" 
Admittedly I'm now not as breathless or coughing as much but I get so tired so quickly doing just the smallest of tasks. I tried to cook tea and had to admit defeat about half way through but rather than thinking about what I didn't finish I'm trying to think about what I have achieved. The week previous I wouldn't have been in the kitchen at all other than to carefully pour a drink so to be doing any cooking was a bonus. LOL I'm not sure the family would agree about it being a bonus though LOL 

This fence HAS to go!!

Sitting in the same four walls makes you notice the things that need to be done. The walls that need painting, the carpet that needs replacing, the garden that needs sorting, the never ending list of jobs that need addressing. Today I decided I was going to start and address the garden. Nothing big I just wanted to strim the bit of the garden that Hubby seems to miss when he mows the lawn. That was my plan and I did manage to get the strimmer out, I did manage to get some of it done, I managed to fall out with said strimmer as it kept breaking and I also manged to get frustrated with my lack of stamina and how exhausted I became so quickly. Hubby by my side told me to sit and catch my breath. I got more and more frustrated with myself and as always he had the right words to say and gave me the words of wisdom I needed to stop and catch myself before I was so exhausted I had to spend days on the sofa recovering again. Why does he always have the right words? I know why because hes scared, every time I'm slightly off it I see it, every time I cough I see it, when we're going to sleep I feel his eyes on me watching me. He's scared, his eyes tell me every time. I feel awful that I'VE made him like this. Me, I did this. He rings me and texts me all day long and knows exactly how I am by the first phone call or text no matter how hard I try not to let him know what's going on. I just want to take the pressure off him. He arranges for people to pop in or make contact when he can't get here himself. I never wanted to make someone, especially someone I love so dearly be this afraid. Hubby has always been attentive and I've always said that the day cupid bound us I was given a man above my match, hes far more than I deserve but I've made him scared. I never wanted this, I've never wanted to make my love ones worry about me. I'm finding this hard and I don't know how to put it right. I'm the worrier not them. 

My everything, We celebrated our 20th  Wedding Anniversary this week ❤

The teens have been through it too. Teen boy had an outburst which is totally out of character for him. No I know it wasn't all my doing but I don't think the constant worry has helped. Both teens have been a mirror of their dad fussing and checking, especially teen girl. She's dried and straightened my hair when I just hadn't got the energy or breath to do it, sat and had pointless conversations just to be around. Yes its been lovely having them around but I just wish it wasn't for the fact they're worried.

I've rambled, I'd usually apologise and say sorry but I've been banned from doing that (you know who you are) but for once I'm really not sorry. I need to get this out, I cant have it festering. I need to find peace. I need to find answers. I need to find me, I'm lost. I don't know who I am any more. The laugh is missing, the bubbly is gone. Where I don't know. What I do know is I want it back. I want ME back. No wheeze, no breathlessness, no cough, no lack of energy just boring old me. I need to find a way to find me and this is what I need to concentrate on doing.


I'm hoping to be back with a new blog in a few days, If you've read this please like it and drop me a comment. 

Lots of love

S XxX

Time to move on

Looking forward not back.

Now than the Easter holidays are almost over it's time to move on. Move back to early starts, move back to running not coasting through life, move back to having days filled, move back to being me and taking part in life again. I've mentioned before, in a past blog, I can be quite stubborn and this I don't think is always a bad thing to be. Without being this stubborn I honestly don't think I'd be where I am now. I would have given up but I'm here and I'm fighting. I am not letting all that has happened lately get the best of me. It's happened and it's now gone. No I'll ever forget it or want to that little bit of fear about what could have happened to disappear. That is going to be what saves me next time.

Moving on...

We've spent time as a family with meals out and just hanging out together. It's been good. It's been really good. Our teens are at that age now where they don't want to be spending as much time with us, I get it, I understand it but that doesn't mean I like it. I know Mr Wonderful especially doesn't like it. It can be lonely if your the only parent in the house and they both lock themselves away in their rooms being 'teenagers' but we get it. I remember it well, although when I was a teen technology wasn't what it is today, hahaha we listened to our 'tunes' and read books or just spent time on our own. Now a days its like being out in the world with all the technology they have available to them so they never get the feeling or need to be alone. Personally I like being alone I think is good for the soul. If you can't be happy with spending time with you how can you expect others to want to be with you? Its a time to reflect, make choices without being influenced and find peace with what has happened around you. Much to much is made of having to be with someone all the time and having to share every last thing. Some things are to be just for you. Does that make sense? Obviously there are lots of things in this life time of ours that we HAVE to share, non negotiable. 

Starting a fresh.

With all that has happened I'm still me, always will be sorry but I'm going to try and make a new path for me. Make a happier version of me. The principles of the Reiki are something I'm still trying to live by and looking at everything with a more positive out look. I'm still me remember so there will be times that the negative thoughts will be there and probably voiced but I'm definitely try and be more positive. 

So I'm setting myself goals to keep me more focused. These are going to be my main principles.

• Live everyday honestly
• Be thankful for the big and small things in life
• Not be angry find happiness in everyday
• Be kind to every living thing with all my actions
• Encourage others around me to be the best they can
• To try everything in my power not tot worry or over think (this is the biggest challenge)

Lifestyle goals I am going to aim for are to be healthier which fits in well with all the goals above. Move more, eat healthier and be healthier. This will take time and I'm sure I will slip up but I refuse to berate myself any more or let others when I do. I'm going to spend as much time as I can with people who make me happy, family and friends. Laughter really is the best medicine as they say.

The last few days of this holiday is going to be all abut those goals I've set. Today is a lazy day (yes I know but I intend on walking the dog later) doing house jobs and spending some time with the Teen boy. Ok we are watching a horror movie and I am a real wimp but we are sitting on the same sofa spending time together. Teen girl had a sleep over here last night and we've all had a giggle this morning. So I'm content.

Tonight I meet with the girls to crochet and laugh. Laugh lots. Tomorrow is ladies who lunch, I'm so excited sorry girls. The weekend is family time, lots of family time and preparation for going back to school for the teens and I. 

May is going to jammed full of fabulous and exciting events, a wedding, a retreat, craft up meets and a lovely friends birthday so it's going to be very, very busy. The end of this month ends with a meal out with close friends who we've not been out with in a while and I'm sure as the MEN are driving this time its going to be a little different to usual (It will never happen but we can dream Sharon lol)

So this my ramblings for now, thank you for getting this far. 

Oh I nearly forgot. Hello Alex! Happy now 😂😂😂

 

It's been a long while.....

It's been ages but I'm back!

Finding beauty around us.

There has been a lot happened since I last blogged, lots of it has been good and some of it has been dam right scary. They say live each day to the best of your ability and of late I've realised just how important that statement is. 

So what's new?

So at the start of this year I made a promise to my extended family that this years Christmas gifts would all be handmade and crafted. I spent time choosing patterns and falling in love with amazing wool and made a good start on completing two huge gifts. Who they are for? I'm unsure yet but they will all come together once I have everything I want to get done and then can choose what I want to give to whom. 

The two pieces I completed already have really gone down well with everyone I've shown so far for a second, third, millionth opinion which is always a fabulous confidence boost. Being crafty it's hard to trust your own judgement as you see so many wonderful pieces of work on the web and in groups your in that you begin to doubt your own abilities.  The fact that others would like duplicates of what you have created is a fabulous confidence boost. I have realised with events that have happened recently that sometimes I need to trust my judgement more and not worry about the consequences, this I'm sure without a doubt we are all very guilty of doing if we are honest to ourselves.

So my year has been bubbling along nicely. 

I've continued to battle the bulge, not as successfully as I'd like but that long battle is still on going. The intention is there every week I leave the slimming group and during the week but it never seems to stay 100% through out the week. I must and will change this. With new plans afoot I'm hoping things will soon change x

I meet weekly with the three crafty girls, I love my Thursday nights we laugh, giggle, put the worlds to right, (I tell you now between us the world would run far more harmoniously) be silly, support each other and share our skills to make ourselves more confident in new things. Most of all we are there for one an another and sometimes a silly message or a virtual hug goes a long way to making a day that little bit better. It's hard sometimes being so close to a group of people and not being able to do more to help them when they are having a hard time, thankfully we try to support each other and all our quirks as much as possible.

Something I'm working on. Something for me or not?

Meditation! Seriously I think I'd be even more of a fruit loop if it wasn't for Elly at Evangeline Therapies (she can be found on Facebook). The group I meditate with are a mixed group of ladies and a gent. We do guided meditations, breathing exercises, Om, Pranayama breathing techniques (I admit I get the worst case of the giggles doing these, sorry guys), crystal healing. With Elly and her magical powers she is able to calms and empowers us all to make the world a more harmonious place. 

After meeting Elly I've realised a lot of ways in which I've not got the best out of life. Elly talks about everything having an equal balance, so if you take from the world you have to put something back, which makes complete sense. So every negative thought or action you undertake you eventually have to give something positive back and vise versa. I'm trying hard to embrace this thought now and make better choice with day to day choices. With Elly and Chrissie I did my Reiki one course and have been using the disciplines I've learnt to 'love' myself (this is really hard as I know you'll all understand) and tried to have a more positive out look on life and be more grateful for the smallest of things. Often when I got up in the morning I'd groan as it was time to get up, it was miserable outside, the kids we moaning, I needed to to do this that and the other. Now I try to get up in the mornings a say a mental thank you for being able to get out of bed that morning, thank the birds for their beautiful song whilst I've been showering, thank you for being in a warm home with everything I need. I'm know I sound like a hippie but you know what? I don't care! This new out look has helped me a great deal the past 5/6 weeks and I'm sticking to it! 

The five principles of Reiki in trying to live by.

Work is good, the school I work in is more like extended family in lots of ways and recently it's been more evident than ever how much we all look after each other. I'm proud to talk about the school I work at. I'm passionate about it in all aspects, sometimes too passionate LOL. The simple off the cuff comments the children make that can turn a good day into an amazing day, the care and attention and love they show for everyone and thing, watching them grow into the people they're going to dazzle the world with. It's not all about the children it's the staff around you who are there to make your day sparkle, make you that surprise cup of tea or fetch your lunch without being asked, just a smile or Hello, How's you? All these things help make my day seem so much better. 

All sounds merry and bright in the world of me ATM but it hasn't all been that way. On a normal Tuesday morning at the beginning March I woke up feeling quite wheezy (I'm asthmatic) and I used my inhalers as I would normally. It had gone really cold over night and I convinced myself I would be fine it was just a 'wheezy' morning, so I went about my morning in my normal routine ignoring the breathing and lack of length in my sentences. there were at least 6 opportunities where I should of just stopped and got my blue inhaler and sorted myself out but being me and being stubborn I carried on until it was too late. 

"I don't have asthma attacks unless I'm unwell" 
"I get plenty of time to get my inhaler"
"I can use my blue inhaler and I get sorted quite quickly"
"I only ever had an ambulance called because my asthma wasn't under control" or so I thought! 

The long and short of that horrid morning is I didn't listen to MY body, to it telling me I NEEDED help NOW, to it saying NO this isn't right and sort it out NOW. Like I mentioned I have been taken by ambulance to hospital because of my asthma in the past, mainly when I'm unwell and it all kicks up or when I was first diagnosed and it wasn't under control but this was nothing like any of the other times no matter how bad it was. This time I lost consciousness, only briefly but I did. This time I'm very lucky I'm still here able to write this. This time it's scared me, frightened me, terrified me. This time I've learnt that ASTHMA isn't something to be messed with. ASTHMA can kill and if the ambulance and friends (staff) around me hadn't acted so quickly I probably wouldn't be here to write this now. No I'm not over playing my hand here I am very, very lucky things turned out the way that it did the other option isn't worth thinking about.

It could be anyone with asthma at any time, please take it seriously.

The other side of all this is that it's taken far longer to get over this than I expected, it's made life very hard, It's effected every part of me both physically and mentally. I owe everything to the people who helped me that day, I owe lots to my amazing family, my husband has been my rock. If you know me you k now how lucky I am to have Mr W as my husband he's always done loads more than the average husband, put us before all his own needs, done his up most to make sure that we have everything we need. This experience has frightened us both, he has done everything for me and made sure that my recovery has happened as best it could. When I've struggled to get up and down stairs he has cleaned the downstairs loo that we don't use so I can access it easily and without a hill of stairs to climb. Made sure that I had people visiting when he had to go back to work so I wouldn't be on my own 'just in case'. He rang regularly to check on my well being. Made jokes to lift my spirits. Came to appointments with me to support me. Listened to me as I had issues being out the house on my own by making me calm and reassuring me. He has been my everything. Would I of got through this with out him? Yes. Would I have got through this and come out the other side as well without him? No without a shadow of a doubt I wouldn't of. My Mr W I love you and am eternally grateful for all you do for us x

If you've got this far I'm grateful but there is other people I need to thank for helping me the last few weeks. Friends, lots and lots of friends. Something like this makes you realise how lucky and loved you are as a person. Many of my friends have been another rock for me. When the anxiety of being out on my own they've came and checked on me, talked me through the situation, made me go out and break my safety blankets. They've unexpectedly dropped in to check on me bringing beautiful surprises with them to lift me spirits. Cards... lots and lots of cards. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you've done xxx

Cake? Cake makes the world a better place!

So what is next? I have the rest if the Easter holidays at home with my family spending time together (when Big teen isn't at work) I'm not going to be beaten by my anxiety or the experience I've been through stop me going forward, no matter how hard it is. I'm going back to work, I'm going to make the most of every opportunity given to me, I'm going to continue being positive, friends and family are going to be a huge part of my life and we will be spending much time together xxx

Some of mothers day flowers, I feel very loved.

So that's it for now. I promise I will be back very soon 


S xxxx



Please leave me a comment to let me know what you think about this blog entry. Thank you xxx

It's been so long.....

Sorry, it's been ages. Life as always seems to have run away with me. So what's new?

Big teen and little teen have started their new school years,  both have had rocky times but hopefully they're more settled now and the rocky parts are smoothing out.

Mr Wonderful is as wonderful as ever and working hard to make sure we are all happy and all taken care of. There's lots of times in life we take our other halves for granted, I'm as guilty as anyone else for this, but Christmas was definitely his time to shine again. He made sure we all had a fabulous time and all felt cherished. He as always puts us before himself and for this I'm always grateful.

Me? The Christmas holiday couldn't come quick enough but unfortunately it flew by far to quickly too. The best part of holidays is always finding myself again. I crocheted LOTS! There were no arguments as nobody was over tired or grumpy and life was good. We saw family, we partied, we spent time together doing stuff. It was fabulous!

So now we are back to reality, cranky teens who have started hiding in their rooms as they feel frazzled by their stressful days. Mom and Dad tired and dreaming of holidays/weekends. Planning changes for the house and holidays hopefully with lots of sun......the list goes on.

So what have you been up to?