To do lists

I'm in a funk, I'm drowning in have no purpose, no reason to get up, no reason for anything really. I'm starting to become jealous outside of my bubble of the people who are starting to move forward and do things. Who's lives are starting to move forward again. I know we are self imposing the rest of the sheilding and that I can go out for a walk now but I'm scared to. Why is life so much different now to how they predicted it would be when they set the 30th June as the end of sheilding, why have Scotland increased it to August. I'm confused by it all.

Today I've spent the day mainly in bed keeping to myself. It's quiet I can think, I can meditate, I can sleep so time passes. Is this healthy? Hell no! I know it's not but I needed it today. To stop the funk from drowning me I've just printed a to-do list of things I need to do. Some are boring and mundane others are more enjoyable. I will need to start ticking things off the list and adding to the list so I find that purpose again. Being unemployed (yes I know that was my own doing but it was the right thing to do) isn't helping. We are coping on one income ATM. We arent really missing the second income probably due to the fact we are still living in the self isolation bubble we are in. This I know will change and probably sooner than we think, I need to find my new beginning but I still have absolutely no idea where that's going to be. 

My to do list is going to treated as my job for now. I need the structure of getting up at 8 and getting dressed etc and doing from 8:45 till 4 again. I'm sticking with loose school hours and then I will have time to myself. Hopefully that way I'll start to rise again rather than sink deeper. This has to be my way out as idk what else I can do

What is my what?

Things that happened on that last Friday I was in work seem to haunt me at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not doing a lot being stuck in the house but when I close my eyes I'm back there or the memories invade my dreams. I feel frozen, scared, sick, can't think straight and many more emotions I don't want to remember or feel. It's been four months and at times it still feels like yesterday. Due to this Corona virus I've not been anywhere since the 15th March as I'm sheilding. With being contained in the house there's not a lot I can do other than house work, tidying up, cleaning up, washing clothes, sit in the garden when it's been nice, crochet, read, watch TV. Sounds like what I always thought would be bliss but believe me this isn't what I thought it would be. It's hard trying to keep my head above water, not get pissed off because someone is munching too loud, shout and scream because I feel like I'm going to explode. There feels no escape at times. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm trapped. Then I realise I'm being selfish these people I'm 'trapped' with are my everything. I don't want them to be anywhere else they need to be here 'trapped' with me, I WANT them here with me. I love them. 

I just need to move forward and find the new path my life is going to go on. I still have no idea what that will be or how to get there but there has to be more that what I'm doing at the moment surely? Do I go back into a school, supermarket, hospital, something to fit in with my crafting? I have no idea but I can't look that far forward until all the rest of the world stops and becomes a new kind of normal again. I need to do something until that happens but what? I need to find my what, that's what I need to do. When I find my what maybe my memories and nightmares will fade and stop making me feel like I'm a nothing and I got life so wrong and the missing pieces will stay in a lost state to be forgotten about as they're not needed. 

My what is what's going to save me....

What's next?

So a lots happened since I last blogged, good bad and the ugly?

It's currently 00:35 and I can't sleep... again. My life at the moment is on its head, for the first time in over 14 years I don't have a job or a purpose. I have no idea what tomorrow is about or what it will bring. 

The good is John. He's amazing and I have no idea what is do without him. He's been more than our vows 22+ years ago asked of him and more than I deserve of him. He is keeping me sane, loved and balanced at the moment. You know your loved when someone stops everything they are doing to be with you, to hold you and carry you when you can do neither of those things yourself. Talks about random things to get you out your own head. Doesn't expect anything of you except what you can offer in that moment in time. Encouraging you even when they know you are struggling to do basic tasks. 

The brain is an evil place, for all the amazing things it can do it can cripple you in a click of its fingers. Fighting to come back is a struggle, to fight every day is hard. Anxiety is a bitch and takes over when you least expect it and can ruin a moment so fast you become scared to try. This is where John and some others have been amazing. They have smothered me in love, let me be when I needed it out pulled me out of myself when I've been sinking. 

Having no purpose is hard. We all know the routine alarm goes off, you get ready for work, go to work, do the best you can, come home spend time doing what you do before bed and you start again. My alarm goes off and that's it, yes it was my choice but it was the hardest choice I've ever made. I know it was the right choice and once I'm back together again properly that will be even more evident, but it's getting all the parts together again. 

Who knew going out the house to go to the local supermarket can cause so many issues; sweaty hands, the feeling the place is closing in on you, eyes on you everywhere, confusion even though you've been thousands of times before, feeling sick, feeling dizzy, sweaty all over, puffing and blowing....I can go on but you get the idea. I'm usually confident, I'm usually unafraid, I'm usually the one head high doing my thing but now I can't wait to get out or lurk in the shadows not wanting to be seen. I say all this but I'm much better than I was, I'm pushing the things I feel I can't do now. Maybe not everyday (not spent as much time in the house, ever) but as much as I can handle at the moment as it's so hard. I want to be me again but I think I've lost some of me. Will all of me come back? Do I want all of it back? 

I know I'm much better than I was nearly four weeks ago. Four weeks ago I lost a day/s and I lost me. Four weeks on I'm more together than I was and I'm starting to make decisions again, starting to find pleasure in things again, starting to look ahead again. Thankful for those special family and friends around me who have supported me. I don't like being the needy one, the one who needs help. I'm the one people lean on, the one that helps but I broke four weeks ago and it's going to take time. I've never, ever told someone I can't help them at the moment but I've had to recently as my head is too much of a jumble to help anyone else. I've never had to hand my responsibilities on to someone else but I've had too as with the amount of money I was dealing with I wasn't clear enough in my head to do it. So having to do that has lead to a feeling of guilt that hangs over me all the time. John is worried as are others and I've cause that through no fault of my own, this causes guilt too. I feel that I should be doing all the time so cleaning the house has become my 'new job' nobody said it has to be done everyday, in a particular way but it's what I'm doing to feel useful. Cleaning has never been my thing but at the moment I'm finding it quite theroputic I can get lost in washing up, scrubbing the bathroom, etc. 

Tomorrow I'm going to take my CV to new job, something completely different to what I've done before. Will I get the job? That's anyone's guess bit just to get to hand the CV over in person is another bit of me coming back. 

What was the point in this blog? No idea I just needed to get all this out my head. I don't expect anyone but I will ever read this but I do hope when I read it again I'll be more me than I am at the moment. 

Fingers crossed to taking one step at a time to being whole and happy again x