Things that happened on that last Friday I was in work seem to haunt me at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not doing a lot being stuck in the house but when I close my eyes I'm back there or the memories invade my dreams. I feel frozen, scared, sick, can't think straight and many more emotions I don't want to remember or feel. It's been four months and at times it still feels like yesterday. Due to this Corona virus I've not been anywhere since the 15th March as I'm sheilding. With being contained in the house there's not a lot I can do other than house work, tidying up, cleaning up, washing clothes, sit in the garden when it's been nice, crochet, read, watch TV. Sounds like what I always thought would be bliss but believe me this isn't what I thought it would be. It's hard trying to keep my head above water, not get pissed off because someone is munching too loud, shout and scream because I feel like I'm going to explode. There feels no escape at times. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm trapped. Then I realise I'm being selfish these people I'm 'trapped' with are my everything. I don't want them to be anywhere else they need to be here 'trapped' with me, I WANT them here with me. I love them.
I just need to move forward and find the new path my life is going to go on. I still have no idea what that will be or how to get there but there has to be more that what I'm doing at the moment surely? Do I go back into a school, supermarket, hospital, something to fit in with my crafting? I have no idea but I can't look that far forward until all the rest of the world stops and becomes a new kind of normal again. I need to do something until that happens but what? I need to find my what, that's what I need to do. When I find my what maybe my memories and nightmares will fade and stop making me feel like I'm a nothing and I got life so wrong and the missing pieces will stay in a lost state to be forgotten about as they're not needed.
My what is what's going to save me....
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