To do lists

I'm in a funk, I'm drowning in have no purpose, no reason to get up, no reason for anything really. I'm starting to become jealous outside of my bubble of the people who are starting to move forward and do things. Who's lives are starting to move forward again. I know we are self imposing the rest of the sheilding and that I can go out for a walk now but I'm scared to. Why is life so much different now to how they predicted it would be when they set the 30th June as the end of sheilding, why have Scotland increased it to August. I'm confused by it all.

Today I've spent the day mainly in bed keeping to myself. It's quiet I can think, I can meditate, I can sleep so time passes. Is this healthy? Hell no! I know it's not but I needed it today. To stop the funk from drowning me I've just printed a to-do list of things I need to do. Some are boring and mundane others are more enjoyable. I will need to start ticking things off the list and adding to the list so I find that purpose again. Being unemployed (yes I know that was my own doing but it was the right thing to do) isn't helping. We are coping on one income ATM. We arent really missing the second income probably due to the fact we are still living in the self isolation bubble we are in. This I know will change and probably sooner than we think, I need to find my new beginning but I still have absolutely no idea where that's going to be. 

My to do list is going to treated as my job for now. I need the structure of getting up at 8 and getting dressed etc and doing from 8:45 till 4 again. I'm sticking with loose school hours and then I will have time to myself. Hopefully that way I'll start to rise again rather than sink deeper. This has to be my way out as idk what else I can do

What is my what?

Things that happened on that last Friday I was in work seem to haunt me at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not doing a lot being stuck in the house but when I close my eyes I'm back there or the memories invade my dreams. I feel frozen, scared, sick, can't think straight and many more emotions I don't want to remember or feel. It's been four months and at times it still feels like yesterday. Due to this Corona virus I've not been anywhere since the 15th March as I'm sheilding. With being contained in the house there's not a lot I can do other than house work, tidying up, cleaning up, washing clothes, sit in the garden when it's been nice, crochet, read, watch TV. Sounds like what I always thought would be bliss but believe me this isn't what I thought it would be. It's hard trying to keep my head above water, not get pissed off because someone is munching too loud, shout and scream because I feel like I'm going to explode. There feels no escape at times. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm trapped. Then I realise I'm being selfish these people I'm 'trapped' with are my everything. I don't want them to be anywhere else they need to be here 'trapped' with me, I WANT them here with me. I love them. 

I just need to move forward and find the new path my life is going to go on. I still have no idea what that will be or how to get there but there has to be more that what I'm doing at the moment surely? Do I go back into a school, supermarket, hospital, something to fit in with my crafting? I have no idea but I can't look that far forward until all the rest of the world stops and becomes a new kind of normal again. I need to do something until that happens but what? I need to find my what, that's what I need to do. When I find my what maybe my memories and nightmares will fade and stop making me feel like I'm a nothing and I got life so wrong and the missing pieces will stay in a lost state to be forgotten about as they're not needed. 

My what is what's going to save me....